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Here are some recommendations for your next visit.
Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats as performed by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats
Having recently decided that the enormous, steaming showbiz turd he left festering on the grave of TS Eliot is no longer colossal enough to match his planet-sized sense of self-importance, Lloyd Webber has come up with a new, 'modern' angle for his much-watched musical Cats The Musical. In an extravaganza production which various critics have described as 'truly senseless' and 'better than the original Cats, I guess,' Lloyd Webber literally stunned his audience by handing over the performance to some actual cats. Sir Andy's own personal collection of cats were wired into the back of a large piano specially for the production, each key on the keyboard linked to blocks of various materials. At the lighter end of the scale foam, some damp, folded-up newspaper, a plastic bag stuffed with some more plastic bags will strike the corresponding cats creating quieter, more restrained mewls. Whilst at the other end the heavier items - an illustrated encyclopedia, a boxing glove filled with some lead horseshoes, the scoop from an articulated Caterpillar digger - will strike down on the tethered moggies, providing louder, higher-pitched sounds. 'I always loved cats as a child,' explains Webber 'but now I hate them and this is a perfect way to get my revenge on them.'
Tupac Shakur - Off The Hook
Fans of the late Tupac finds will be thrilled to hear of yet another posthumous release. This record consists of all the answering machine messages Tupac ever left, both during calls to other people's phones and as those he left as his own various outgoing messages, all set to slick grooves, fresh beats and touchtone electro. Standout tracks include 'If You're Coming Over Bring Sultanas - I'm Gonna Me Some Make Carrot Cake', 'Did I Leave The Keys To My Nan's In Your Jacuzzi Room, G?', and the poignant 'Message To Myself: Don't Forget To Set The VCR To Tape Ghost Tonight.' Fellow undead careerists Notorious B.I.G, Jam Master Jay and that one out of TLC all drop crazy after the tone freestyle.
Shirley Bassey - Things Are Gonna Get Mass-ey!
It's what her fans have quite literally been crying out for: 'We want to hear Shirley Bassey performing the Catholic Mass!' That's what they all cried during her last tour (in many concerts forcing her offstage early), and now that's what they have. On this double disc set Dame Shirley performs the entire Roman Missal, accompanied by a brass-heavy forty-piece orchestra, numerous sexy 'pope' outfits tailored specially for Bassey, and musical guest apearances from showbiz Catholics Ann Widdecome, Richard Williamson and Tony Blair. An additional CD of Pope Benedict XVI performing the best loved songs of Bassey's greatest hits, Vir Of Disctinction, is also available, featuring hits such as 'Diamonds Are Forever' and 'I Who Have Nothing', all translated into eleventh century Latin, performed in a creepy dual-toned sing-song, and featuring Benedict in a single sexy 'pope' outfit tailored specially for him. 'I think we all know what Goldfinger's really all about,' he said. 'The man with the midas touch, I mean come on. And Big Spender. Who's the biggest spender of them all? It's obvious. It's, like, God, yeah?'
Bjork - Face Like A Brain
The first in a series of recordings by Bjork inspired by the cast of the Carry On films, this album, which is based on Sid James, focuses not on the alcoholism, gambling-addictions and crippling misery which blighted his personal life, but on the trademark 'filthy laugh', bawdy humour, cheeky chappy persona which made him such a much-loved comic actor. Standout tracks include 'Hyah Hyah Hyah', 'I Literally Died On Stage Last Night' and 'Only After One Thing, Sweetheart? Why, What's The Matter With The Other One?' 'I'm only doing the dead ones,' says Bjork in a bonus interview, also included on this disc, 'Jim Dale and Babs can fuck right off.'
Ted Hughes & Sylvia Plath - Insane In The Hawk In The Memb-Rain (The BBC Slam)
A rare gem finally gets unleashed from the vaults of the BBC! Originally broadcast as part of the BBC's Third programme in the late 1950's, this recording, hosted by Isaiah Berlin, was intended to be a recording of celebrity couplet-loving couple Hughes and Plath reading separately from their own poetry. The tension, however, is palpable and it comes as little surprise when things spiral rapidly out of control, resulting in the first ever on-air bitch-slapping contest after Hughes mutters 'Doo doo doo, black bloody shoe - load of bollocks' under his breath. Plath responds with a string of insults about Hughes's mother in response to which Hughes parries back that these insults are, in fact, more appropriate to Plath's own mother. Things then become much more heated with Berlin, who begins to beatbox midway through the recording, doing little to restrain his guests.
Droid P1906413061FZ - The Best Of Beatles
A five disc-set in which Droid P1906413061FZ gets through the first half of 'A Day In the Life'. When questioned as to why he'd chosen to release this record at this point in his career, Droid responded by saying '01001001 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100001 01110010 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110111 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 01100100 01100001 01111001 00101100 00100000 01101111 01101000 00100000 01100010 01101111 01111001 00101110 00100000'
Here are some recommendations for your next visit.
Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats as performed by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats
Having recently decided that the enormous, steaming showbiz turd he left festering on the grave of TS Eliot is no longer colossal enough to match his planet-sized sense of self-importance, Lloyd Webber has come up with a new, 'modern' angle for his much-watched musical Cats The Musical. In an extravaganza production which various critics have described as 'truly senseless' and 'better than the original Cats, I guess,' Lloyd Webber literally stunned his audience by handing over the performance to some actual cats. Sir Andy's own personal collection of cats were wired into the back of a large piano specially for the production, each key on the keyboard linked to blocks of various materials. At the lighter end of the scale foam, some damp, folded-up newspaper, a plastic bag stuffed with some more plastic bags will strike the corresponding cats creating quieter, more restrained mewls. Whilst at the other end the heavier items - an illustrated encyclopedia, a boxing glove filled with some lead horseshoes, the scoop from an articulated Caterpillar digger - will strike down on the tethered moggies, providing louder, higher-pitched sounds. 'I always loved cats as a child,' explains Webber 'but now I hate them and this is a perfect way to get my revenge on them.'
Tupac Shakur - Off The Hook
Fans of the late Tupac finds will be thrilled to hear of yet another posthumous release. This record consists of all the answering machine messages Tupac ever left, both during calls to other people's phones and as those he left as his own various outgoing messages, all set to slick grooves, fresh beats and touchtone electro. Standout tracks include 'If You're Coming Over Bring Sultanas - I'm Gonna Me Some Make Carrot Cake', 'Did I Leave The Keys To My Nan's In Your Jacuzzi Room, G?', and the poignant 'Message To Myself: Don't Forget To Set The VCR To Tape Ghost Tonight.' Fellow undead careerists Notorious B.I.G, Jam Master Jay and that one out of TLC all drop crazy after the tone freestyle.
Shirley Bassey - Things Are Gonna Get Mass-ey!
It's what her fans have quite literally been crying out for: 'We want to hear Shirley Bassey performing the Catholic Mass!' That's what they all cried during her last tour (in many concerts forcing her offstage early), and now that's what they have. On this double disc set Dame Shirley performs the entire Roman Missal, accompanied by a brass-heavy forty-piece orchestra, numerous sexy 'pope' outfits tailored specially for Bassey, and musical guest apearances from showbiz Catholics Ann Widdecome, Richard Williamson and Tony Blair. An additional CD of Pope Benedict XVI performing the best loved songs of Bassey's greatest hits, Vir Of Disctinction, is also available, featuring hits such as 'Diamonds Are Forever' and 'I Who Have Nothing', all translated into eleventh century Latin, performed in a creepy dual-toned sing-song, and featuring Benedict in a single sexy 'pope' outfit tailored specially for him. 'I think we all know what Goldfinger's really all about,' he said. 'The man with the midas touch, I mean come on. And Big Spender. Who's the biggest spender of them all? It's obvious. It's, like, God, yeah?'
Bjork - Face Like A Brain
The first in a series of recordings by Bjork inspired by the cast of the Carry On films, this album, which is based on Sid James, focuses not on the alcoholism, gambling-addictions and crippling misery which blighted his personal life, but on the trademark 'filthy laugh', bawdy humour, cheeky chappy persona which made him such a much-loved comic actor. Standout tracks include 'Hyah Hyah Hyah', 'I Literally Died On Stage Last Night' and 'Only After One Thing, Sweetheart? Why, What's The Matter With The Other One?' 'I'm only doing the dead ones,' says Bjork in a bonus interview, also included on this disc, 'Jim Dale and Babs can fuck right off.'
Ted Hughes & Sylvia Plath - Insane In The Hawk In The Memb-Rain (The BBC Slam)
A rare gem finally gets unleashed from the vaults of the BBC! Originally broadcast as part of the BBC's Third programme in the late 1950's, this recording, hosted by Isaiah Berlin, was intended to be a recording of celebrity couplet-loving couple Hughes and Plath reading separately from their own poetry. The tension, however, is palpable and it comes as little surprise when things spiral rapidly out of control, resulting in the first ever on-air bitch-slapping contest after Hughes mutters 'Doo doo doo, black bloody shoe - load of bollocks' under his breath. Plath responds with a string of insults about Hughes's mother in response to which Hughes parries back that these insults are, in fact, more appropriate to Plath's own mother. Things then become much more heated with Berlin, who begins to beatbox midway through the recording, doing little to restrain his guests.
Droid P1906413061FZ - The Best Of Beatles
A five disc-set in which Droid P1906413061FZ gets through the first half of 'A Day In the Life'. When questioned as to why he'd chosen to release this record at this point in his career, Droid responded by saying '01001001 00100000 01101000 01100101 01100001 01110010 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110111 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101111 01100100 01100001 01111001 00101100 00100000 01101111 01101000 00100000 01100010 01101111 01111001 00101110 00100000'
