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Dear jesusitoldyouimnotvivhowdoichangethisthingithinkikeeporderingstuff
Thank you for your order.
Here are some other items which may be of interest.
Out On A Limb 3: Silence Of The Limbs
Keanu Reeves stars as Chip Rockwater, a maverick, bionic-limbed detective who, as fans will recall, used his electronic piston-arms-and-legs to pursue Melvin 'Professor Chuckles' Van Reape (Dwayne Johnson) the unfeasibly evil megavillain whose illicit drug racketeering business, underground prostitution ring and scat-movie empire runs through the whole social fabric of Appledale City like some kind of crooked seam, throughout the first two films in this franchise, Out On a Limb and Out On A Limb 2: The Long Arm Of The Law. In this, the concluding part of the trilogy, Rockwater, after losing his robotic arms and legs in a scuffle with a band of magnetic-harpoon-wielding street-punks, is given the opportunity to undergo radical surgery and become the first man in history to receive four full simultaneous limb transplants. Initially Rockwater is delighted to be back in the realms of the fully-fleshed - as displayed in lengthy recuperation montage scenes in which we see him bathing his new arms and legs in the sunlight, wafting them in the cool night air, and dribbling fresh milk over them, all the while gasping ecstatically - but it isn't long before things start to go awry. His limbs seem to have a mind of their own. He unwittingly makes obscene gestures at passing strangers. Instead of reaching out to hug his kids he finds his arms throttling them, poking them in the eyes and giving them a severe noogying. He's unable to stop himself performing the hilarious 'elephant jig' at a colleague's funeral. Occasionally he hears them chuckling. It's not long before Rockwater discovers that the arms and legs which have been grafted onto his body were, in fact, those of his arch-enemy Professor Chuckles, bewitched by some voodoo curse (related in a scene in which the arms and legs have flashbacks). What ensues is an action-loaded study into the nature of identity, family, and what it means to be a man with cheekily evil hands and feet.
Glo-Worm Bubblegum Saxaphone Squad
A landmark in Anime. Wise elder Tadashi and his band of ferretty wood-people find their village under attack from Empress Yumi-Yumi, an airborne and unfeasibly oversized tar-squid - who has the super-ability to shoot what would appear to be webs of musical hair out of her tar-tentacles - and the Fuyu, her sharp-toothed egg-shaped duck-minions who, although lacking her hair-slinging skills, seem to be proficient in the projectile-bleeding of some sort of 'evil fun-glitter' from their nose-hooters. Initially they're after an enchanted dragon's tooth, but that gets hastily forgotten amidst a plethora of irritatingly cutesy sidekicks, eye-raping editing and fight scenes in which the characters get so angry that when they leap into the air they don't seem to stop. There's also an anatomically-bewildering and prophesy-spouting 'lady teapot', a whole load of wise-cracking frogs in hi-vis military outfits and repeat interruptions from something called 'Mega Time Fun Break' in which a troupe of walnut-hedgehog hybrid creatures dance about in a fridge for thirty seconds whilst a clock ticks down in the corner of the screen. The entire running time is estimated at three and half hours, but no-one's ever watched it to the end, so it could be far longer.
Doctor Who - The Ten-nant Commandments
To commemorate the impending conclusion of his reign as the current Doctor, the BBC are releasing one of their ever-popular dvd of 'the best bits' in which the superfluities of suspense, characterisation and plot are all pruned away and tossed aside leaving you, the viewer, with a lengthy blur of unrelated scenes. These includes countless shots of Tennant saying 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' in faultlessly sincere tones, countless shots of him tossing his head to one side and saying 'Well!', and countless shots of him peering at items of alien technology through his glasses and saying 'Oh, you are beautiful!'. The package concludes with a lengthy visual collage of Tennant hitting various pieces of malfunctioning machinery whilst screaming 'No, no, no, no, no, no!'
He's Just Not That Into Poo
Melissa Malone is a normal girl just like any other. She works at Kitten Hospital as a cat nurse in the Hurt Paw Department, hangs out in the mall with her unfeasibly socially diverse range of friends, and spends most of her spare time working towards her PhD in helping homeless and elderly orphans. However, Cassie harbours a dookie-dark secret: she's a scat-hound. Her need to be pooed on is as uncontrollable as the bowel-movement that thrill her so and lands her in an array of hilarious situations as she quests for the perfect brown shower: hiding in the U-bend of a public toilet-cubicle, disguising herself as a roll of toilet paper, posing as a drainage official to spend a weekend gorging herself silly in the sewers of New York City. Then one day she meets AJ: great-looking, with a good job and, most importantly, 'a clean' as her scat-pals refer to them. Can she change her dung-munching ways? From the people who brought you Forrest's Dump, Requiem For A Steamer and The Log Whisperer.
PigPope
When the Pope visits America to bless an ordinary farmyard pig he doesn't expect the US military to accidentally set of an experimental nuclear device nearby. But that's just what happens. In the ensuing fiery meleé the entire population of the village he's visiting instantly melt into puddles of human goo, but the Pope, protected by his holy aura, emerges unscathed. However, he finds the pig he was holding has become assimilated into his body. He has become PigPope, a regular Pope endowed with powers both superhuman and superpig: shooting jets of holy water from his trotter-wrists, using his snout skills to snuffle out clues to bring frocked paedos to justice, rolling about in his own filth. Stars Daniel Radcliffe as The Pope, Bill Nighy as The Pig and Melinda Messenger as Sister Candy Rockwell.
Also out this week:
The Candleweb Sagas - First instalment of this twee multi-film story of enchantment, toff kids and whimsical Victoriana in which an orphan finds out he's actually a wizard prince. What a massive fucking surprise.
I Am Legend Of Hull House - Will Smith stars in this notoriously garbled biopic of Rod Hull, arbitrarily set in a haunted mansion in the Nineteenth Century, which is beset by frenzied attacks from a cult of zombies after the world comes to an equally arbitrary end.
Cop Squad - Much like Police Academy only with Eddie Murphy playing every single fucking character.
Thank you for your order.
Here are some other items which may be of interest.
Out On A Limb 3: Silence Of The Limbs
Keanu Reeves stars as Chip Rockwater, a maverick, bionic-limbed detective who, as fans will recall, used his electronic piston-arms-and-legs to pursue Melvin 'Professor Chuckles' Van Reape (Dwayne Johnson) the unfeasibly evil megavillain whose illicit drug racketeering business, underground prostitution ring and scat-movie empire runs through the whole social fabric of Appledale City like some kind of crooked seam, throughout the first two films in this franchise, Out On a Limb and Out On A Limb 2: The Long Arm Of The Law. In this, the concluding part of the trilogy, Rockwater, after losing his robotic arms and legs in a scuffle with a band of magnetic-harpoon-wielding street-punks, is given the opportunity to undergo radical surgery and become the first man in history to receive four full simultaneous limb transplants. Initially Rockwater is delighted to be back in the realms of the fully-fleshed - as displayed in lengthy recuperation montage scenes in which we see him bathing his new arms and legs in the sunlight, wafting them in the cool night air, and dribbling fresh milk over them, all the while gasping ecstatically - but it isn't long before things start to go awry. His limbs seem to have a mind of their own. He unwittingly makes obscene gestures at passing strangers. Instead of reaching out to hug his kids he finds his arms throttling them, poking them in the eyes and giving them a severe noogying. He's unable to stop himself performing the hilarious 'elephant jig' at a colleague's funeral. Occasionally he hears them chuckling. It's not long before Rockwater discovers that the arms and legs which have been grafted onto his body were, in fact, those of his arch-enemy Professor Chuckles, bewitched by some voodoo curse (related in a scene in which the arms and legs have flashbacks). What ensues is an action-loaded study into the nature of identity, family, and what it means to be a man with cheekily evil hands and feet.
Glo-Worm Bubblegum Saxaphone Squad
A landmark in Anime. Wise elder Tadashi and his band of ferretty wood-people find their village under attack from Empress Yumi-Yumi, an airborne and unfeasibly oversized tar-squid - who has the super-ability to shoot what would appear to be webs of musical hair out of her tar-tentacles - and the Fuyu, her sharp-toothed egg-shaped duck-minions who, although lacking her hair-slinging skills, seem to be proficient in the projectile-bleeding of some sort of 'evil fun-glitter' from their nose-hooters. Initially they're after an enchanted dragon's tooth, but that gets hastily forgotten amidst a plethora of irritatingly cutesy sidekicks, eye-raping editing and fight scenes in which the characters get so angry that when they leap into the air they don't seem to stop. There's also an anatomically-bewildering and prophesy-spouting 'lady teapot', a whole load of wise-cracking frogs in hi-vis military outfits and repeat interruptions from something called 'Mega Time Fun Break' in which a troupe of walnut-hedgehog hybrid creatures dance about in a fridge for thirty seconds whilst a clock ticks down in the corner of the screen. The entire running time is estimated at three and half hours, but no-one's ever watched it to the end, so it could be far longer.
Doctor Who - The Ten-nant Commandments
To commemorate the impending conclusion of his reign as the current Doctor, the BBC are releasing one of their ever-popular dvd of 'the best bits' in which the superfluities of suspense, characterisation and plot are all pruned away and tossed aside leaving you, the viewer, with a lengthy blur of unrelated scenes. These includes countless shots of Tennant saying 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' in faultlessly sincere tones, countless shots of him tossing his head to one side and saying 'Well!', and countless shots of him peering at items of alien technology through his glasses and saying 'Oh, you are beautiful!'. The package concludes with a lengthy visual collage of Tennant hitting various pieces of malfunctioning machinery whilst screaming 'No, no, no, no, no, no!'
He's Just Not That Into Poo
Melissa Malone is a normal girl just like any other. She works at Kitten Hospital as a cat nurse in the Hurt Paw Department, hangs out in the mall with her unfeasibly socially diverse range of friends, and spends most of her spare time working towards her PhD in helping homeless and elderly orphans. However, Cassie harbours a dookie-dark secret: she's a scat-hound. Her need to be pooed on is as uncontrollable as the bowel-movement that thrill her so and lands her in an array of hilarious situations as she quests for the perfect brown shower: hiding in the U-bend of a public toilet-cubicle, disguising herself as a roll of toilet paper, posing as a drainage official to spend a weekend gorging herself silly in the sewers of New York City. Then one day she meets AJ: great-looking, with a good job and, most importantly, 'a clean' as her scat-pals refer to them. Can she change her dung-munching ways? From the people who brought you Forrest's Dump, Requiem For A Steamer and The Log Whisperer.
PigPope
When the Pope visits America to bless an ordinary farmyard pig he doesn't expect the US military to accidentally set of an experimental nuclear device nearby. But that's just what happens. In the ensuing fiery meleé the entire population of the village he's visiting instantly melt into puddles of human goo, but the Pope, protected by his holy aura, emerges unscathed. However, he finds the pig he was holding has become assimilated into his body. He has become PigPope, a regular Pope endowed with powers both superhuman and superpig: shooting jets of holy water from his trotter-wrists, using his snout skills to snuffle out clues to bring frocked paedos to justice, rolling about in his own filth. Stars Daniel Radcliffe as The Pope, Bill Nighy as The Pig and Melinda Messenger as Sister Candy Rockwell.
Also out this week:
The Candleweb Sagas - First instalment of this twee multi-film story of enchantment, toff kids and whimsical Victoriana in which an orphan finds out he's actually a wizard prince. What a massive fucking surprise.
I Am Legend Of Hull House - Will Smith stars in this notoriously garbled biopic of Rod Hull, arbitrarily set in a haunted mansion in the Nineteenth Century, which is beset by frenzied attacks from a cult of zombies after the world comes to an equally arbitrary end.
Cop Squad - Much like Police Academy only with Eddie Murphy playing every single fucking character.
