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Thank you for your order.
Here are some recommendations for your next visit
Papal Indemnity by Thornwood Dogberry (Orion £7.99)
Vatican City, 1961. Yet another cardinal has been found murdered, throttled with his own fascia, his mitre stuffed down his throat, and his body strung up by his own rosary. This isn't the sort of day Pope John XXIII, a grizzled maverick with a string of failed marriages behind him, a M1911 Browning concealed beneath his vestments, and a bottle of scotch never far from his lips, had anticipated when he woke up this morning. What is it that links these senseless killings? What is the significance of the hoof-prints that litter each crime-scene? Could this be the handiwork of Pope John XXIII's arch-nemesis: the Devil? Assisted by rookie novice nun, Mary Malone, Pope John XXIII sets about excommunicating lowlifes, making martyrs of double-crossing primates, and demonstrating his infallibility... from the smoking barrel of a blood-glistening pump-action Remington 870. From the author who brought you Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Pope; The Pope Always Rings Twice; The Pope Who Came In From The Cold; and Murder Most Pontiff (winner of last year's Sistine Dagger Awards) comes a new thriller which crackles with nightmarish tension, hard-boiled eroticism, and lengthy passages of dense theological dogma.
The Brown Notebooks by Gordon Brown et al. (Viking £16.99)
In yet another PR bid to prove to the populace that he is just like any other human being, Gordon Brown has given permission for his idle doodlings to be published in book form. 'I doodle whilst on the phone or in meetings,' he says in his introduction, 'much like the members of any other hard-working British family. And I want to share my doodles with you, the British public.' Alongside budget work-out sums and the occasional stick man, there are numerous striking images: a full-page cartoon figure of a 'sexy' pound sign winking whilst saying 'Don't worry, I still love you, Gordy!'; what looks like a sketchy self-portrait of Brown himself vomiting a flume of hammers and sickles from a balcony onto a screaming crowd of bigots below; and, perhaps most striking of all, a coloured-in, double-page depiction of a pair of testicles and a penis, on the end of which is a dark-haired, madly grinning face saying, in angry speech-bubble form, 'He was the people's COCK... I can feel the COCK of history on our shoulder... I can only go one COCK. I've not got a reverse COCK... I'm just such a complete COCK!!!!'
A Family Affair: Miscellaneous Royal Poems by Andrew Motion (Faber and Faber £18.99)
A collection of the poems Motion was commissioned to write during his laureateship but which, at the time, went unpublished. These include a beautiful sonnet sequence written in celebration of Prince Philip's 79th birthday (an event now largely remembered solely for the Prince's ill-advised three hour 'minstrel cabaret' performance); a slightly confused ode written in dedication to 'the marriage of Queen Fergie and Prince Jim'; and Motion's final piece written during his time as laureate, a summation of his professional experience and a crystal distillation of his poetic skills titled simply 'Queen':
The wonderful and terrific and lovely Queen,
The lady-king of the Royalty scene,
Is very soft and nice, but she also has power
So when she uses it it's a bit like being whipped with a flower.
Scientology: It's A Religion With 'Science' In The Frickin' Name! Who'd Have A Problem With That! A Bunch Of Jackasses! That's Who! Grrrr! It Makes Me So Frickin' Maaaad!!! by Tom Cruise (Harper Perennial £49.99)
Tom Cruise, high priest of Scientology, sets out in the this book to dispel the myths that surround the world's favourite celeb-gion, making him the first insider to lift the lid on the secretive 'definitely-not-a-cult' cult. 'People think Scientology is all about stupid science fiction stuff, the end of the world and tons of money,' says Tom in his introduction to this £49.99 book, 'I hope to change their minds - with reasoned and balanced argument and, failing that, my gold-plated truth-laser. I'm just kidding!' And, as the glossy colour photographs which make up the body of this work testify, any suggestions that the Church of Scientology is rooted in either a money-worshipping or an overly Sci-Fi mentality are wholly unfounded. Highlights include: photos of Cruise with wife Katie Holmes and child Suri riding hoverboards made out of 'pure money'; pictures of L. Ron Hubbard's cryogenetically reanimated head, grafted to the body of a steel gorilla; and an eight-page spread of the cavernous underground storage ports which house the millions of Armagedobots.
Coming Soon
Philip Roth's novelisation of the entire cartoon strips of Garfield.
Tyrant: Keith Chegwin's explosive exposé of his life with diminutive telly-fascist Noel Edmonds.
The first instalment of Paul Ross's eagerly awaited study of the Seleucid Empire.
Eye on Cameron:
As a grim new dawn of tyrannical 70% proof Tory rule gets underway , the Conservative Party, mindful that a coalition breakdown could be imminent at more or less any given moment, are already planning for what will be the next election's campaign effort with a bombardment of titles, focusing on the cult of the current Prime Minister's personality, to be released in the coming months:
David Cameron - Feeling Blue? We Are Too! (Old Bean Press £4.99)
A title described by Mr Cameron in a leaked press statement as 'the usual blah-blah-blah right wing diatribe dressed up as some sort of ruddy self-help book.'
David Cameron - The Cameron Cookbook (Old Bean Press £4.99)
An attempt by the Tories to distance themselves from the 'posh' image they're so often associated with: 'Recipes for traditional British dishes such as Ptarmigan Soufflé, Eton Mess and Soggy Biscuit Pudding.'
David Cameron - I Am Be A Primeminster! (Old Bean Press £4.99)
A concerted effort to attract the elusive youth vote, this short book contains snippets from all of David Cameron's major speeches, translated into the 'Lolcats' dialect the youth can understand: 'We has is deep, dark cloud over econummy, an society, and teh whole plitical systum... Today evrywun cans see what a utter mess Labour and the pwevius Prime Minister haz made in de Bwitish ickonomy...we's scrap all dem central-impoze targits dey distort cwinical judgement an' make da NHS ansa 2 politicians. Is bad!'
Thank you for your order.
Here are some recommendations for your next visit
Papal Indemnity by Thornwood Dogberry (Orion £7.99)
Vatican City, 1961. Yet another cardinal has been found murdered, throttled with his own fascia, his mitre stuffed down his throat, and his body strung up by his own rosary. This isn't the sort of day Pope John XXIII, a grizzled maverick with a string of failed marriages behind him, a M1911 Browning concealed beneath his vestments, and a bottle of scotch never far from his lips, had anticipated when he woke up this morning. What is it that links these senseless killings? What is the significance of the hoof-prints that litter each crime-scene? Could this be the handiwork of Pope John XXIII's arch-nemesis: the Devil? Assisted by rookie novice nun, Mary Malone, Pope John XXIII sets about excommunicating lowlifes, making martyrs of double-crossing primates, and demonstrating his infallibility... from the smoking barrel of a blood-glistening pump-action Remington 870. From the author who brought you Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Pope; The Pope Always Rings Twice; The Pope Who Came In From The Cold; and Murder Most Pontiff (winner of last year's Sistine Dagger Awards) comes a new thriller which crackles with nightmarish tension, hard-boiled eroticism, and lengthy passages of dense theological dogma.
The Brown Notebooks by Gordon Brown et al. (Viking £16.99)
In yet another PR bid to prove to the populace that he is just like any other human being, Gordon Brown has given permission for his idle doodlings to be published in book form. 'I doodle whilst on the phone or in meetings,' he says in his introduction, 'much like the members of any other hard-working British family. And I want to share my doodles with you, the British public.' Alongside budget work-out sums and the occasional stick man, there are numerous striking images: a full-page cartoon figure of a 'sexy' pound sign winking whilst saying 'Don't worry, I still love you, Gordy!'; what looks like a sketchy self-portrait of Brown himself vomiting a flume of hammers and sickles from a balcony onto a screaming crowd of bigots below; and, perhaps most striking of all, a coloured-in, double-page depiction of a pair of testicles and a penis, on the end of which is a dark-haired, madly grinning face saying, in angry speech-bubble form, 'He was the people's COCK... I can feel the COCK of history on our shoulder... I can only go one COCK. I've not got a reverse COCK... I'm just such a complete COCK!!!!'
A Family Affair: Miscellaneous Royal Poems by Andrew Motion (Faber and Faber £18.99)
A collection of the poems Motion was commissioned to write during his laureateship but which, at the time, went unpublished. These include a beautiful sonnet sequence written in celebration of Prince Philip's 79th birthday (an event now largely remembered solely for the Prince's ill-advised three hour 'minstrel cabaret' performance); a slightly confused ode written in dedication to 'the marriage of Queen Fergie and Prince Jim'; and Motion's final piece written during his time as laureate, a summation of his professional experience and a crystal distillation of his poetic skills titled simply 'Queen':
The wonderful and terrific and lovely Queen,
The lady-king of the Royalty scene,
Is very soft and nice, but she also has power
So when she uses it it's a bit like being whipped with a flower.
Scientology: It's A Religion With 'Science' In The Frickin' Name! Who'd Have A Problem With That! A Bunch Of Jackasses! That's Who! Grrrr! It Makes Me So Frickin' Maaaad!!! by Tom Cruise (Harper Perennial £49.99)
Tom Cruise, high priest of Scientology, sets out in the this book to dispel the myths that surround the world's favourite celeb-gion, making him the first insider to lift the lid on the secretive 'definitely-not-a-cult' cult. 'People think Scientology is all about stupid science fiction stuff, the end of the world and tons of money,' says Tom in his introduction to this £49.99 book, 'I hope to change their minds - with reasoned and balanced argument and, failing that, my gold-plated truth-laser. I'm just kidding!' And, as the glossy colour photographs which make up the body of this work testify, any suggestions that the Church of Scientology is rooted in either a money-worshipping or an overly Sci-Fi mentality are wholly unfounded. Highlights include: photos of Cruise with wife Katie Holmes and child Suri riding hoverboards made out of 'pure money'; pictures of L. Ron Hubbard's cryogenetically reanimated head, grafted to the body of a steel gorilla; and an eight-page spread of the cavernous underground storage ports which house the millions of Armagedobots.
Coming Soon
Philip Roth's novelisation of the entire cartoon strips of Garfield.
Tyrant: Keith Chegwin's explosive exposé of his life with diminutive telly-fascist Noel Edmonds.
The first instalment of Paul Ross's eagerly awaited study of the Seleucid Empire.
Eye on Cameron:
As a grim new dawn of tyrannical 70% proof Tory rule gets underway , the Conservative Party, mindful that a coalition breakdown could be imminent at more or less any given moment, are already planning for what will be the next election's campaign effort with a bombardment of titles, focusing on the cult of the current Prime Minister's personality, to be released in the coming months:
David Cameron - Feeling Blue? We Are Too! (Old Bean Press £4.99)
A title described by Mr Cameron in a leaked press statement as 'the usual blah-blah-blah right wing diatribe dressed up as some sort of ruddy self-help book.'
David Cameron - The Cameron Cookbook (Old Bean Press £4.99)
An attempt by the Tories to distance themselves from the 'posh' image they're so often associated with: 'Recipes for traditional British dishes such as Ptarmigan Soufflé, Eton Mess and Soggy Biscuit Pudding.'
David Cameron - I Am Be A Primeminster! (Old Bean Press £4.99)
A concerted effort to attract the elusive youth vote, this short book contains snippets from all of David Cameron's major speeches, translated into the 'Lolcats' dialect the youth can understand: 'We has is deep, dark cloud over econummy, an society, and teh whole plitical systum... Today evrywun cans see what a utter mess Labour and the pwevius Prime Minister haz made in de Bwitish ickonomy...we's scrap all dem central-impoze targits dey distort cwinical judgement an' make da NHS ansa 2 politicians. Is bad!'
