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The Holy Bible
(New Unabridged Edition)
Copyright © God 2009
This translation © King James II, Various Uncredited Scribes & Dan Brown
God has asserted his right under Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. Except the bits about gays, adulterous women and people who dare to knead bread on the Sabbath all being put to death by group stonings. That’s the work of the scribe-hacks. Oh, and those boring lists of a family lineages. You simply can’t get the scribes these days, ladies and gents.
The epigraph on page vii comes from The Evil Has Landed: From Heaven To Hell To 1970’s Rock Music Promotion To Tabloid Photojournalism by Lucifer (Gideon Black-Lace, 1998). Reproduced by kind permission.
The quotations in ‘The Book Of Genesis 8:2-21’ are taken from The Snozzlehounds Wouldn’t Mate: A Year On A Cruise Built For Twos by Noah (Maritime Memorial Press, 1962) Reproduced by divine intervention.
The photographs in ‘The Gospel According To Saint John’ are taken from Just Consider The F*cking Lillies, Yeah?: Portraits Of A Coked-Up Messiah by Jesus H. Christ and Paul McCarthy (Taschen, 1997) Reproduced by miraculous apparition.
An earlier version of ‘The Gospel According To Saint John‘, first appeared in slightly altered forms in the various myth-stories of Mithra, Krishna and George A. Romero; ‘The Book Of Job’ first appeared as a photo-spread with accompanying text in Bizarre magazine under the title ‘Plague Cysty For Me‘; ‘The Revelation Of Saint John The Divine’ first appeared as the film Patch Adams.
This Book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of religious ceremonies or otherwise, be used for the purposes of making Christmases boring, using a cheap electronic megaphone to shout about gays on street corners, knobbing kids (even if said kids are papally deemed to be ‘hot’), or otherwise have arbitrary meanings ascribed to its content without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of faith or belief-system other than possibly Mormonism and Scientology, but then only for a bit of a laugh, and maybe Baptismal Churches, but even then only really for the gospel music, without which we’d all still be listening to George Formby. Similar conditions are imposed on the subsequent purchaser if he or she is a Satanist who has bought this thing with the intention of reading it backwards: I can think of at least ten things which are more ‘evil’ than wasting your cash on a book whose contents you plan to deliberately misread: you could blind a pensioner; you could fumble about with the bottoms of some barnyard animals; you could put weed-killer in your neighbours’ hanging-baskets; you could, I dunno… look, the list just goes on and on, okay?
All characters portrayed in this book are entirely fictional, with the following exceptions: The Talking Snake; The Guy Who Spends A Weekend In A Whale; The Guys Who All Claim To Be Spartacus; David Icke; Jazz Hound And The Noodle Mutts; The Legion Of Indestructible Ice-Droids (85XMR45 squadron centurions only); and That Guy Who’s Selling Novelty Baseball Caps In That One Verse, You Know The One, He Looks A Little Weird, Like Michael Buerk, Yeah Him.
First published as various scrolls, fragmentary sheets of papyrus and a popular series of bathtime squeaker books about the adventures of ‘Emile the Hobo-Swan' (1000BC - 1985AD approx.)
Printed and Bound by Tyndale & Great-Great-Great-Great Grandsons plc.
Secret chapters from this book regarding Jesus’s teen-years are available from the British Library‘s Opus Dei wing.
ISBN 978-00-5318008-X
(New Unabridged Edition)
Copyright © God 2009
This translation © King James II, Various Uncredited Scribes & Dan Brown
God has asserted his right under Section 77 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. Except the bits about gays, adulterous women and people who dare to knead bread on the Sabbath all being put to death by group stonings. That’s the work of the scribe-hacks. Oh, and those boring lists of a family lineages. You simply can’t get the scribes these days, ladies and gents.
The epigraph on page vii comes from The Evil Has Landed: From Heaven To Hell To 1970’s Rock Music Promotion To Tabloid Photojournalism by Lucifer (Gideon Black-Lace, 1998). Reproduced by kind permission.
The quotations in ‘The Book Of Genesis 8:2-21’ are taken from The Snozzlehounds Wouldn’t Mate: A Year On A Cruise Built For Twos by Noah (Maritime Memorial Press, 1962) Reproduced by divine intervention.
The photographs in ‘The Gospel According To Saint John’ are taken from Just Consider The F*cking Lillies, Yeah?: Portraits Of A Coked-Up Messiah by Jesus H. Christ and Paul McCarthy (Taschen, 1997) Reproduced by miraculous apparition.
An earlier version of ‘The Gospel According To Saint John‘, first appeared in slightly altered forms in the various myth-stories of Mithra, Krishna and George A. Romero; ‘The Book Of Job’ first appeared as a photo-spread with accompanying text in Bizarre magazine under the title ‘Plague Cysty For Me‘; ‘The Revelation Of Saint John The Divine’ first appeared as the film Patch Adams.
This Book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not by way of religious ceremonies or otherwise, be used for the purposes of making Christmases boring, using a cheap electronic megaphone to shout about gays on street corners, knobbing kids (even if said kids are papally deemed to be ‘hot’), or otherwise have arbitrary meanings ascribed to its content without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of faith or belief-system other than possibly Mormonism and Scientology, but then only for a bit of a laugh, and maybe Baptismal Churches, but even then only really for the gospel music, without which we’d all still be listening to George Formby. Similar conditions are imposed on the subsequent purchaser if he or she is a Satanist who has bought this thing with the intention of reading it backwards: I can think of at least ten things which are more ‘evil’ than wasting your cash on a book whose contents you plan to deliberately misread: you could blind a pensioner; you could fumble about with the bottoms of some barnyard animals; you could put weed-killer in your neighbours’ hanging-baskets; you could, I dunno… look, the list just goes on and on, okay?
All characters portrayed in this book are entirely fictional, with the following exceptions: The Talking Snake; The Guy Who Spends A Weekend In A Whale; The Guys Who All Claim To Be Spartacus; David Icke; Jazz Hound And The Noodle Mutts; The Legion Of Indestructible Ice-Droids (85XMR45 squadron centurions only); and That Guy Who’s Selling Novelty Baseball Caps In That One Verse, You Know The One, He Looks A Little Weird, Like Michael Buerk, Yeah Him.
First published as various scrolls, fragmentary sheets of papyrus and a popular series of bathtime squeaker books about the adventures of ‘Emile the Hobo-Swan' (1000BC - 1985AD approx.)
Printed and Bound by Tyndale & Great-Great-Great-Great Grandsons plc.
Secret chapters from this book regarding Jesus’s teen-years are available from the British Library‘s Opus Dei wing.
ISBN 978-00-5318008-X
