25 Things You Don't Know About Me, Me, Me (Not Myalgic Encephalomyelitis)
1. I have to shave my palms three times a day, and the soles of my feet every fifteen minutes.
2. I was regional air-mandolin champion from 1989 through to 1992. In '93 I was disqualified when it came to light that I was using a real mandolin.
3. I was brought up being told on a daily basis that I had godlike powers (invisibility, omniscience, ability to fly, etc.) but was never instructed on how to use them. I still do not know whether I possess these powers or not.
4. I am totally unable to spell. In order to communicate effectively I have to either dictate or, as I'm currently doing, bash the keyboard at random and hope for the best.
5. When browsing the internet one night, I inadvertently found myself married to a 48 year old Illionois patio salesman named Roy Shipstone. I hastily turned my computer off, tried to forget about it and never told anyone. But the whole thing is legally binding, so keep it under your hat.
6. I tell people I'm a vegan just so they feel like inadequate hosts when I'm round at their houses. When at home I regularly gorge myself on large slabs of Vienetta sprinkled with bacon cubes.
7. I've only been arrested only once after I was caught rummaging through Dean Gaffney's recycling bins.
8. Due to some misinformation, I have a large tattoo of Dan Ackroyd's face on my back. Around the image reads: 'Dan Ackroyd 1952-2005'.
9. I've baked a life-size wholemeal effigy of myself every Thursday for the last three months. I leave the effigy in my back garden so I can watch birds peck away at me, thus giving me a broad idea of what I might look like when I get old, or if some acid-based facial mishap befalls me.
10. I have a crippling phobia of coupons.
11. One of my proudest achievements is a four hour reggae-style musical based on The Shining, with the setting changed from a hotel in Maine to an ice-rink in the Weimar Republic. It has yet to be performed. I sent the script and the score to Joe Pesci, who I had in mind for the lead whilst composing. His agent described my work as 'offensive', 'backward' and 'probably some kind of joke'.
12. As a child I was plagued by vivid nightmares about a figure known as 'Horsecake Plungehoof', a horse whose lips were made of cheesecake and whose feet were made of giant rubber suckers.
13. To keep warm I wear several layers of bubblewrap beneath my clothes. If you've heard the popping sound I emit when I approach, this accounts for at least some of it.
14. I'm ace at thumb-wars. Only last week I defeated my personal friend and the current reigning champion, Noam Chomsky, in a friendly.
15.I have to keep my bottom lip sucked in at all times. If I were to relax it, it would flop down to the middle of my chest and my lower teeth would quickly become painfully dry.
16. Up till the age of 24 I'd never seen snow and had refused to see rain.
17. I have a pet chimp named Horace. He cleans up after me, prepares my clothes in the morning and is currently in the process of learning how to use the hobs. To tease him I put lipstick round his mouth and chant 'Hail Horace, Queen of the hobs!' whilst stomping around him in circles. He hates that.
18. I'm the younger brother of nationally reviled millionaire Damien Hirst. Although we are not close I do have a napkin on which Damien drew a picture of me riding a giant crab.
19. I rarely have the use of both my hands due to having my right one cut off in a fencing mishap. I now have to carry it around in a little plastic pot, thus frequently depriving me of the use of my left hand.
20. As a child I was considered a prodigy after I scripted the pilot for short-lived soap, Albion Market. I also garnered praise for my adaptation of Olivia Manning's Fortunes of War, the three episodes of Press Gang I wrote, and the entire ten series of Minder, which I scripted in a single night and on which filming began in 1979, three years before I was born.
21. My biggest regret is the three Celtic-rap crossover albums I recorded with Tony Benn whilst we were signed to Island. They're awful.
22. Some of you may remember me from my carefree days as a student when, hilariously, I lived in a wheelie bin for a while, much like my hero at the time, Oscar the Grouch. What you may not be aware of is that unlike Oscar I emerged suffering from tetanus, pneumonia and chronic kyphosis.
23. My great-great-grandfather was the inventor of the dice or, as he named it, 'The Cube of Wonder'.
24. I was best man at the controversial wedding in which celebrity anti-Semite Mel Gibson, due to a slip of the tongue on the presiding minister's part, was accidentally married to a Mikoyan MiG-29 fighter jet.
25. This is all completely true. I don't hate these things. And I never ever lie about anything.
(A repeat from a now forgotten questionnaire meme from Facebook)
2. I was regional air-mandolin champion from 1989 through to 1992. In '93 I was disqualified when it came to light that I was using a real mandolin.
3. I was brought up being told on a daily basis that I had godlike powers (invisibility, omniscience, ability to fly, etc.) but was never instructed on how to use them. I still do not know whether I possess these powers or not.
4. I am totally unable to spell. In order to communicate effectively I have to either dictate or, as I'm currently doing, bash the keyboard at random and hope for the best.
5. When browsing the internet one night, I inadvertently found myself married to a 48 year old Illionois patio salesman named Roy Shipstone. I hastily turned my computer off, tried to forget about it and never told anyone. But the whole thing is legally binding, so keep it under your hat.
6. I tell people I'm a vegan just so they feel like inadequate hosts when I'm round at their houses. When at home I regularly gorge myself on large slabs of Vienetta sprinkled with bacon cubes.
7. I've only been arrested only once after I was caught rummaging through Dean Gaffney's recycling bins.
8. Due to some misinformation, I have a large tattoo of Dan Ackroyd's face on my back. Around the image reads: 'Dan Ackroyd 1952-2005'.
9. I've baked a life-size wholemeal effigy of myself every Thursday for the last three months. I leave the effigy in my back garden so I can watch birds peck away at me, thus giving me a broad idea of what I might look like when I get old, or if some acid-based facial mishap befalls me.
10. I have a crippling phobia of coupons.
11. One of my proudest achievements is a four hour reggae-style musical based on The Shining, with the setting changed from a hotel in Maine to an ice-rink in the Weimar Republic. It has yet to be performed. I sent the script and the score to Joe Pesci, who I had in mind for the lead whilst composing. His agent described my work as 'offensive', 'backward' and 'probably some kind of joke'.
12. As a child I was plagued by vivid nightmares about a figure known as 'Horsecake Plungehoof', a horse whose lips were made of cheesecake and whose feet were made of giant rubber suckers.
13. To keep warm I wear several layers of bubblewrap beneath my clothes. If you've heard the popping sound I emit when I approach, this accounts for at least some of it.
14. I'm ace at thumb-wars. Only last week I defeated my personal friend and the current reigning champion, Noam Chomsky, in a friendly.
15.I have to keep my bottom lip sucked in at all times. If I were to relax it, it would flop down to the middle of my chest and my lower teeth would quickly become painfully dry.
16. Up till the age of 24 I'd never seen snow and had refused to see rain.
17. I have a pet chimp named Horace. He cleans up after me, prepares my clothes in the morning and is currently in the process of learning how to use the hobs. To tease him I put lipstick round his mouth and chant 'Hail Horace, Queen of the hobs!' whilst stomping around him in circles. He hates that.
18. I'm the younger brother of nationally reviled millionaire Damien Hirst. Although we are not close I do have a napkin on which Damien drew a picture of me riding a giant crab.
19. I rarely have the use of both my hands due to having my right one cut off in a fencing mishap. I now have to carry it around in a little plastic pot, thus frequently depriving me of the use of my left hand.
20. As a child I was considered a prodigy after I scripted the pilot for short-lived soap, Albion Market. I also garnered praise for my adaptation of Olivia Manning's Fortunes of War, the three episodes of Press Gang I wrote, and the entire ten series of Minder, which I scripted in a single night and on which filming began in 1979, three years before I was born.
21. My biggest regret is the three Celtic-rap crossover albums I recorded with Tony Benn whilst we were signed to Island. They're awful.
22. Some of you may remember me from my carefree days as a student when, hilariously, I lived in a wheelie bin for a while, much like my hero at the time, Oscar the Grouch. What you may not be aware of is that unlike Oscar I emerged suffering from tetanus, pneumonia and chronic kyphosis.
23. My great-great-grandfather was the inventor of the dice or, as he named it, 'The Cube of Wonder'.
24. I was best man at the controversial wedding in which celebrity anti-Semite Mel Gibson, due to a slip of the tongue on the presiding minister's part, was accidentally married to a Mikoyan MiG-29 fighter jet.
25. This is all completely true. I don't hate these things. And I never ever lie about anything.
(A repeat from a now forgotten questionnaire meme from Facebook)
